Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Turmoil Tuesdays

Turmoil Tuesdays - C'est La Vie Edition

I've been thinking...a lot. I have been thinking about myself. I have been thinking about others. I've been thinking about interpersonal relations. I've even been thinking about food.

Those don't all seem connected...but they are. Oh, are they ever.

The funny thing is this: I have gone about things MY WAY. I don't think it's the way anyone expected. I don't think it's even what they wanted of me. But it is AMAZING.

I have detoxed myself. Mostly emotionally and mentally, but I am beginning to do so physically as well. I have never felt better. Consider for a moment that this comes out of the WORST six months of my life medically speaking. It was bad in other ways, but not the worst. My body was crying out for help and I wasn't listening. Now I am.

What was really funny was that fixing myself physically shifted my paradigm emotionally. That shift was the most amazing wake up call that I have ever had. I am more alert, more aware, happier, more energized, and I suddenly CARE MORE. It is great.

But, what really was so freeing for me was the true and final release of TOXIN. For me, almost all of that toxin was internal in a way that I am not sure I could ever externally verbalize. But I am releasing it all out into the void of nothing so that it belongs to no one.

Change comes with a responsibility to be more AWARE, more PROACTIVE, and more COGNIZANT. Now it's funny, because I am not sure most of you really get what I mean by those three terms...because I have only verbalized this idea with one person. I am so willing to be open about what is happening inside of me...but here is the KEY...you have to ask. I am not offering this information that allows me to become vulnerable to just anyone anymore. There needs to be reciprocation. The waiting is over. :)

Sorry if this is really rambling. I know I have a tendency to go on a bit. I am not even going to read back through to see if it is coherent...DEALWITHIT.

I took this photo of myself as a way to illustrate what I am seeing in myself these days. I am me. I like me. I am a good person. A selfie in a mirror seemed an appropriate metaphor.

(Technicalities: Apologies for dirty mirror and blurry photo, but I kinda like 'em.)

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Thoughtful Thursdays: Happiness is health and a short memory!

So, the dialog from my project is moving here, with some minor directions included.

I've been thinking, a lot. All of the things in my life have been happening at once, and I am beginning to sort through the crazyness of all of it. Seemingly every aspect of my life has gone insane all at once. What is most funny is that that is actually a FANTASTIC thing. It has allowed me the chance to care just a little bit less about the decisions that I am making. Regardless of what still needs to be done, I care a little bit less about what fat I am trimming.

I have been proven right, wrong, stupid, and smart so many times over and over again in the recent past.

What is suddenly most important is ME. My health is coming to the forefront as a concern for me. My physical health, my mental health, everything. So, I am formatting a plan with the intent upon resetting my body, my mind, my life, and my outlook. But my changes are my own and they are incredibly personal, and no one need know that entirety of it all. Suffice it to say, I am doing what I want, what I need. Things will be changing, but not in the predictable ways.

Hold on to your hats ladies and gents and keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

To return is not enough, one must return with purpose

We give many words to goals.

We call them resolutions, which is to say that we are resolved to do a thing. We call them wishes for ourselves, which invalidates their strength. We call them desires, which stengthens their intention, but weakens their execution. We call them destinations, which takes the importance from the journey. And, of course, we call them goals, which seems to me to take the resposibility from the individual.

Even so, when there isn't a word for a concept, does not the concept still exist? And if a concept exists should not we, as individuals, give importance to such a thing?

If we desire something to change, what makes it so difficult to change? It should be enough to want to change something and, presuming it is within our power, to simply change it. But these things are not so simple.

It would be brilliant to be as beautifully detached from the absurdity of life as Camus' character Mersault. But such things do not truly exist. So, the painful longing of a friend now gone from a world still lingers. I do not wish so much for the sadness to leave, but rather for my own reactions to change, as I am not coping well.

I do not pretend to understand these questions nor the purpose of any man or woman. I understand a little, and that is enough. I suppose one could say that I am a woman in search of a word. And by word, I mean I am still searching to give meaning to my own life.