Ten things that annoy this Gemini...

I am a reasonable person. No, really. I am. I think rationally, I use logic constantly, and I give every person a chance to prove themselves to me. I do not make judgements about people (or a group of people) before they themselves have had the chance to make their own case to me. I will neither hate nor love a person before I meet them, because hat's pointless. I will give people second and third chances to prove themselves to me, because not all first impressions are perfect, I know this.

With this said however, there are certain deal-breakers. Some people are idiots, and while I am not a racist, homophobe, or sexist...I WILL NOT SUFFER FOOLS. So, here I will lay out for you ten of the best ways that you can prove yourself an idiot to this Gemini. They are listed in no particular order, and I do not hold myself limited to this list.

1. I am a woman, not an infantile dumbass who falls prey to ridiculous ploys to get me to spend more money. Case in point: I go into the Apple store today to buy a new power adaptor for my 15-inch Powerbook G4. I need a 65 watt adaptor. It is that simple. I bought this computer a little under three years ago with the extended AppleCare warranty. That warranty covers EVERYTHING, including the adaptor. The only thing not covered is damage done by the owner (ME) to the equipment. My old charger had a wire connection that had come loose, and was beginning to overheat, smoke, and spark. I walk in, tell them what I need, show them the old charger, and give them my information. I was clear, I was specific, and I knew what I needed. The man helping me then tries to tell me that "wear and tear is not covered by the warranty", and so I ask him to show me where in the contract it says that. He pulls it out, and I point him to the line that says "AppleCare covers the laptop and all of its peripherals, (charger, battery, etc...). It covers wear and tear and malfunctions. It does not cover damage done to equipment by the owner." Point for Siobhán. Next, he then tries to sell me a BRAND NEW $2000 laptop. Thank you very much, I like the MacBook Pro, I might want one, but I DO NOT NEED IT. Dumbass, give me my goddam 65 watt power adaptor for my 15-inch Powerbook G4.
2. Okay people, I understand you're busy, I know there are only 24 hours in the day, and I realize you're pressed for time...but know your limits! I know what it is like to be very busy, and I know how stress can wear on a person. I realize that you want your Venti Faux-Latte to go and you want it now, but is it the best time to drink when you are driving with your knee, holding the drink in your hand, texting with the other, AND trying to change the radio station? Fucking hell people. Know what you can do and what will impede your ability to prioritize. The radio can wait. Think the latte can wait one minute so you can finish the text and THEN drink?
3. I am being polite. I do not want to go out with you, I do not care about your problems, and I certainly do not want to date you. I understand that common courtesy is becoming a rare commodity in this world, really...I do know this. I understand that having someone say 'thank you' when you give them their cup of coffee is something that does not happen everyday, but there is no hidden message. I smile because I am nice, I say 'thank you' because I am polite. There is no ulterior motive. A proper response would be 'you're welcome' or 'have a nice day'. You could even hold out your hand and introduce yourself. None of these things that I do are invitations to begin a long and angry rant about your day, nor are they an open invitation to invite me to dinner, ask for my number, or...dare I say it, make some lewd comment referring to some sexual act you might be interested in. I don't care. If you want to get to know a person, introduce yourself, ask them about their day, etc... Give a person time to warm up to you. Girls are not impressed with jackass displays of macho-puffery. So quit it.
4. Children are not adults. Be patient. Correct them if they do something wrong, but don't scold them for each and every little thing. I will be the first to admit that, yes, children do need to be told when they have done wrong. They do need to be guided, corrected, and on occasion scolded. But it is not realistic to hold a child to the standards of an adult. They simply do not have the experience and training to live up those standards. Guide them, and help them. I am not advocating letting them get away with everything and anything, but it must be done gently and kindly. Also, being a sore loser to a 5-year-old child over a game of cards is stupid. You are forty years old, get over yourself!
5. Nobody is always right. Enough said.
6. Your bad day is not everyone's bad day. Don't take it out on every stranger you meet. It is completely uneccessary to take out your frustrations on every person who crosses your path, whether you know them or not. If your have a disagreement with your mother, do not take it out on your best friend or your significant other. It is cruel and pointless. It will make your own day (and others' days) worse. It will make your enemies, not friends.
7. Pointing out another's shortcoming does not make you look better by contrast, it makes you look like an asshole. Maybe you're better at something than your best friend, but it is not a reason to lord it over them as a point of ego. While I agree that pride in your own abilities and knowledge is good, arrogance is not. Teasing and joking is fine, but cruelty is not. They are (surely) better than you at something else. Everyone has a speciality and talent of their own. Do not act in a way that you would not want them to act in regards to you.
8. A car does NOT make you invincible. Especially when the person outside of your car stands to be hurt by your dumbass driving.
9. A moment of kindness does not hurt. It can take but a moment to help someone out most of the time. Sometimes it takes longer. But even so, helping another person is a good thing to do. If they are hurt, help them. Hold open the door for a couple extra seconds for the man on crutches behind you. Someday you may hope that another will do so for you. The woman in front of you in line who is 50 cents short of her total will appreciate the change you found in your laundry. Think about it.
10. We are all looking for a place in this world to feel at home, for someone to understand us...be patient and people will surprise and impress you.

I'm an artist in this world
More profound with the words I don't say than I could ever be with the ones I speak aloud
I'm trying to make a mark on this world with the words and actions that they will see as pointless

Explain to me why all the things I'm not define me
Whereas all the things I am are left by the wayside
Superfluous facts that do nothing to define who I am as a person
Does that mean everything I do tells you nothing about me?

Is the emptiness inside of me everything I am?
I try to hide that darkness from the world
Is there nothing I can do to make you understand?

How should I introduce myself to the world?
If I cannot introduce the parts of me
That mean everything within
But nothing to the world out there?
Should I introduce myself as you will see me
Or as I see myself
Help me to write a definition that will do well to even begin to explain everything I am not

It's the things that are left unsaid that leave the biggest impression
The words I will make you think when this is over
If I can make you see
Make you think
Make you wonder
About this world just a little bit differently
Than I am happy
For I have done what I can

Between the lines
In the brief silence and the white space on the page
That’s the point
Therein lies the message

If that's how I communicate
Why is it so strange for me to think that might be how you understand?

For everything there is an opposite
For light, there exists darkness
For love, hate
And for good, there is evil

Given that, it is so strange to me that my silences carry more loudly than my speech
Explain that to me
PLEASE

So when you look at me
Understand that what I don't give you
Is equally as important as what I do

For every gift, there lay the possibility for the opposite
And now, when I extend my hand in friendship
Know I could have struck you down in ignorance and hate
But chose not to
And it is the choice that marks me
And extends to you as reflection of me

I see myself in the mirror
And it is opposite what you see now
Flipped around
So that I must know you
And understand how you know me
To know myself

So take my hand
Let us be friends
For friendship is far better than hate and lonliness
Let us know each other
That we might, one day, know ourselves

Speak to me in silence
And ignore me loudly
For it is between those actions that we will be at peace
We try so hard
Look so long
For a place
A person
Anything
To feel at home

But is it possible
That home has existed within us
Before us
Beyond us

It is
And it does
It's intangible
Not to be found in the world of men
But barely out of our reach
Only achievable once we understand
That we can never know ourselves until we don't know ourselves at all

The nature of humanity
Is in our imperfections
And I'm not so sure I get it any more than the next person
But that's what makes it beautiful

If you and I can disagree
But still know that we have that in common
We are one and the same

What I'm not you are
And what I am
Is defined by what I'm not
So, by that logic, you are what defines me

So look at me
Through your eyes I might see who I am
And understand what I'm not

Don't quantify or try to define me
For you cannot bring borders to the intangible
I am all that I'm not
And that's the beauty of existence

So listen close
For the silence I give you now
Is more telling than any actions or words ever could be

I see you, and you see me
Without an "US"
There is no we

And so my hand remains outstretched
In the hopes that my offer of friendship will one day be returned
And through knowing you
I can know me
And in knowing me
I can know you

For the space in between us
Is just as important as the space we occupy

I'm not pushing you away
Even now
I'm reaching out to you

For only in questions
Do we find answers

So ask those questions burning the tips of your tongues
For every one I have an answer
And I will give it to you
And even then, I will do one better
I will give you the honest one

Image of a Woman

Imagine a woman who believes is it right and good that she is a woman
A woman who honors her experience and tells her own stories

Who refuses to carry the sins and burdens of others within her body and life

Imagine a woman who trusts and respects herself
A woman who listens to her needs and desires
Who meets them with tenderness and grace

Imagine a woman who has acknowledged the past's influence on the present
A woman who has walked through her past
Who has healed in her present

Imagine a woman who authors her own life
A woman who exerts, initiates, and moves on her own behalf
Who refuses to surrender except to her truest self and wisest voice

Imagine a woman who names her own god
A woman who imagines the divine in her image and likeness
Who designs personal spirituality to inform her daily life

Imagine a woman in love with her own body
A woman who believes that her body is enough, just as it is
Who celebrates her body's rhythms and cycles as an exquisite resource

Imagine a woman who honors the body of the goddess in her changing body
A woman who celebrates the accumulation of her years and her wisdom
Who refuses to use her precious life energy disguising the changes in her body and her life

Imagine a woman who values the women in her life
A woman who sits in circles of women
Who is reminded of the truth about herself when she forgets
Imagine ME as this woman

Without Reflection

It's a dog eat dog world
Which is just fine for a bitch like her
Her heart put together from the shattered pieces she has taken from others
Love letters and sweet words that she gives you will be whittled in your skin
Blood drawn from the shards of your own heart
Scars for you to show to others
Proof that she loved you enough to do this to you
Once upon a time
When letters are sent with no postage attached they never reach their destination
A life is spent tiptoeing around the pieces of another's wreckage
They will cut into my skin the same as yours
I may not have the same scars to show but I have taken the time to put those pieces back together again
It wasn't my heart
The heart of another that never belonged to me that i pieced together
The heart she cared enough to break, but not enough to fix
The heart is still hers and it will never be mine
The organ was whole until her love acted as a hammer does on glass
The blood spilled in the task of reconstructing a life that will never again take its original form
Bandages cannot do what they should
The blood meant to keep me alive seeps from under the skin that was supposed to keep it in
Torn edges of paper that used to say more
Words carved into skin cannot be erased
Skin that used to belong to me
Skin that belongs to you, and so then it belongs to her
All you have belongs to her, and I am yours
These stories were not written for me
I did not write them
They are another's words on my lips and somehow I can breathe only blood
Teach me to unfurl the petals of the blossom yet to be
Cast a shadow of the life I desire so that i may see it once before this blood is gone
Before the words run out
How does one heal a wound that refuses to feel pain?
Why does the dawn come dark as night?
The sun refuses to shed light on this place and so we have no place to see
he speaks of her so reverently
Her portriat stands proud on his mantle like the Virgin Mother, looking over all that we do
There is no escaping her divine works now
What does that make me?
I have no right to cast the stone
She came before me, and will always be first in your mind
I built your love again and the image of her remains
For just today I will speak with you
In your own tongue and on your terms
Forget not that I am not of this place
I have no home here, and there is not one to be built for me
I can play the part you see
Walk her walk
Talk her lilt
Sing her songs
But you cannot be fooled
So I rebuild the vestiges of the heart she broke
There is one piece she took away with her
I give you a piece of mine so that yours might be whole
A child looks through the chink of my own heart
She sees only the image of you
Why must she have inherited your eyes?

--S.Granvold

not like me...

Have been feeling somewhat...under the weather lately. I am not sure if something is in the air or if there is something more philosophical at work. Either way I have been unable to feel like myself in the hectic pace of my life lately. I am having issues finding my grounding, and very few things feel like home anymore. It's like I explained to somebody today. Sacramento has never been home. This is not where I belong. Not really. The place and people are not one that I wish to continue with as the years go along.

But if the place I live is not home...then what is? I'm not at home in the home of my parents, that much has been glaringly obvious, for that has become more symbolic to me over the years than anything else. And if my apartment here isn't...Well, where am I to go?

This is not all there is
What we see and what we know is nothing
Experiences are limited to the size of our perceptions
We see nothing
We are blind and must make judgments in the dark
I can't do that
That's just not like me
I could ask for more, but what would I get?
To answer to a vengeful God who wishes to strike guilt and terror in my heart is just not like me
Are you happy with that?
Or do you also say you cannot, like me?
I do not need that justification to stand on
I am good and kind of my own accord
I have beauty and compassion in a world that has shown me none
So, why do they not like me?
There is no promised land
Too many people are hurting to call it that
With nothing to call my own I walk on in a world that lost sight of me years ago
I am not lost, even though I do not know where I am going
To lose my way is not like me
Even the sky is too terrified to show itself to the world these days
Another hour is spent raining the tears I cannot cry for the crimes of men who have no one to answer to but their own conscience
Who polices that?
It is not in me to cry for those men, even those who have broken and killed me
That's not like me
Are you saddened by the state of the world?
Do you walk on doing nothing about its wrongs?
Or do you endeavor, in your own small way, to make it a better place?
Maybe, instead, you paint on a smile and go on whether you like it or not, like me
Why does the world take the beauty of innocence and ruin it?
What was there to be gained?
All it gave me was a quest
A jaded thirst for answers with no questions
Even when there is no method to madness, the chaos makes sense
That could be my answer
I could accept its simplicity, but that's just not like me
The tears of my eyes are not my own
The salty tracks they use as roads numb my sight
The day is so still that it feels like death
I keep waiting for even an ounce of kindness to be shown to me
Why do they not like me?
This is my kingdom and in it, I am perfect
The fire is dying and I light a cigarette with its last breath
All my answers are smoke
I am too good for the lives I have lived
I never asked for any of this
My broken lungs breathe air that hates them
My perfect beauty was crafted by hands that never knew what creature would be born from their wreckage
Flowers bloom from the tears of this world
Absolute beauty comes from perfect pain
So too am I
A perfect girl with a hole in my heart and I wonder, can it too be watered by tears?
I know I've cried enough
Will flowers grow in to fill the space?
I only want to know one thing
With my beauty and my perfection
Why do I not like me?

-S.Granvold

Of Clouds and Crows

So many things to do but none of them seem to matter
I look out and hope to meet your gaze but you're no longer here
So I choose, instead, to lie out on the grass in the hopes that it's embrace could rival yours
You and I both know that nothing does
Instead of your eyes I see the sky
A blue that resonates a total of zero times
That nothing seems to take over
Clouds scattered randomly in a pattern that suddenly makes perfect sense
They float on by with a carelessness I can no longer reach
A night crow flies by with purpose
A purpose that has left me in days gone by and has not been missed since its absence
So I watch, instead, the crow and his intent as it passes me by
I wonder what goes through his mind
Might he be tired?
Would he like to sit for a while next me on the grass which must look greener from his vantage?
Would he like to rest his wings and exchange a few words?
Reflections on what he might have to say pass my eyes
Maybe he would just listen to my stories
The epic tales of my own continued correspondence with terrestrials
It just might be that he would caw on and on
Sounds that I could never understand
Trying to tell me of the creatures who own the sky
A place I have always longed to inhabit
I have long had to content my desires with those of the ground
My land-locked feet forbidding the adventures I would take with wings I will never have
We could sit for hours I reckon
It might be, when it was all over, that we would make a date for the same time the next day
I might ask him to take me for a ride
For my hands long to skim over the clouds of my dreaming
Could he take me with him?
I could ask him to show me a world that was never my own
Maybe, instead, I could clip his wings and take him with me
I could
I would never inhibit such beauty in that way
So, I will instead keep him in my mind and remember the conversation we never had
For I never asked him to linger
A lost opportunity at a friend that will never be
Advice I will never hear
Tales from eyes that I never looked into
Maybe I'll choose to forget him
But I can't do that now
For I never got the chance
I'll go on with my day
The clock ticks by with its steady pace
Seconds and minutes telling me of the places I should be
In the distance a bell rings
I'm running out of time
No time left to linger in the grass of another's yard where everything is green
For my own world is dreary without the colors of this world
Back to time
Time for reality
Reality of what I see with my eyes
What I see of a world I was never at home in
I can return again
It won't be the same
Even at this time tomorrow
The chance is gone and I must take what I can
Even if it is just the possibility of a conversation I never had
Perhaps, tomorrow, he will stop by
I won't be there
I could say, "Next time."
There is only this time
So maybe tomorrow I will avoid a conversation with the clouds
But with a thirty percent chance of rain
I think they will only cry on me

-S.Granvold