Turmoil Tuesdays

Turmoil Tuesdays - C'est La Vie Edition

I've been thinking...a lot. I have been thinking about myself. I have been thinking about others. I've been thinking about interpersonal relations. I've even been thinking about food.

Those don't all seem connected...but they are. Oh, are they ever.

The funny thing is this: I have gone about things MY WAY. I don't think it's the way anyone expected. I don't think it's even what they wanted of me. But it is AMAZING.

I have detoxed myself. Mostly emotionally and mentally, but I am beginning to do so physically as well. I have never felt better. Consider for a moment that this comes out of the WORST six months of my life medically speaking. It was bad in other ways, but not the worst. My body was crying out for help and I wasn't listening. Now I am.

What was really funny was that fixing myself physically shifted my paradigm emotionally. That shift was the most amazing wake up call that I have ever had. I am more alert, more aware, happier, more energized, and I suddenly CARE MORE. It is great.

But, what really was so freeing for me was the true and final release of TOXIN. For me, almost all of that toxin was internal in a way that I am not sure I could ever externally verbalize. But I am releasing it all out into the void of nothing so that it belongs to no one.

Change comes with a responsibility to be more AWARE, more PROACTIVE, and more COGNIZANT. Now it's funny, because I am not sure most of you really get what I mean by those three terms...because I have only verbalized this idea with one person. I am so willing to be open about what is happening inside of me...but here is the KEY...you have to ask. I am not offering this information that allows me to become vulnerable to just anyone anymore. There needs to be reciprocation. The waiting is over. :)

Sorry if this is really rambling. I know I have a tendency to go on a bit. I am not even going to read back through to see if it is coherent...DEALWITHIT.

I took this photo of myself as a way to illustrate what I am seeing in myself these days. I am me. I like me. I am a good person. A selfie in a mirror seemed an appropriate metaphor.

(Technicalities: Apologies for dirty mirror and blurry photo, but I kinda like 'em.)

Thoughtful Thursdays: Happiness is health and a short memory!

So, the dialog from my project is moving here, with some minor directions included.

I've been thinking, a lot. All of the things in my life have been happening at once, and I am beginning to sort through the crazyness of all of it. Seemingly every aspect of my life has gone insane all at once. What is most funny is that that is actually a FANTASTIC thing. It has allowed me the chance to care just a little bit less about the decisions that I am making. Regardless of what still needs to be done, I care a little bit less about what fat I am trimming.

I have been proven right, wrong, stupid, and smart so many times over and over again in the recent past.

What is suddenly most important is ME. My health is coming to the forefront as a concern for me. My physical health, my mental health, everything. So, I am formatting a plan with the intent upon resetting my body, my mind, my life, and my outlook. But my changes are my own and they are incredibly personal, and no one need know that entirety of it all. Suffice it to say, I am doing what I want, what I need. Things will be changing, but not in the predictable ways.

Hold on to your hats ladies and gents and keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times.

To return is not enough, one must return with purpose

We give many words to goals.

We call them resolutions, which is to say that we are resolved to do a thing. We call them wishes for ourselves, which invalidates their strength. We call them desires, which stengthens their intention, but weakens their execution. We call them destinations, which takes the importance from the journey. And, of course, we call them goals, which seems to me to take the resposibility from the individual.

Even so, when there isn't a word for a concept, does not the concept still exist? And if a concept exists should not we, as individuals, give importance to such a thing?

If we desire something to change, what makes it so difficult to change? It should be enough to want to change something and, presuming it is within our power, to simply change it. But these things are not so simple.

It would be brilliant to be as beautifully detached from the absurdity of life as Camus' character Mersault. But such things do not truly exist. So, the painful longing of a friend now gone from a world still lingers. I do not wish so much for the sadness to leave, but rather for my own reactions to change, as I am not coping well.

I do not pretend to understand these questions nor the purpose of any man or woman. I understand a little, and that is enough. I suppose one could say that I am a woman in search of a word. And by word, I mean I am still searching to give meaning to my own life.

Engagé!

Thursday Rant Thursday

There are a lot of things that are wrong with this world, and I take issue with many of them. Today, however, I will limit myself to just one little snippet of my grievances.

While driving home today I saw a bumper sticker on the car in front of me that read "CHANGE is what Germany was looking for in 1932."

Wait...WHAT?!

This person's bumper was also littered with a number of other highly conservative, ignorant stickers that don't even bear mentioning here. The picture painted by the aforementioned sticker is an ugly one. It speaks of misinformation and general stupidity. It speaks to a fear of new ideas and renovation to any old regime that exists. This is a problem.

Now, don't get me wrong, a good number of Germany's actions before and during the Second World War were beyond reproach. But to condemn them for looking for change in the first place is ridiculous. Germany was royally shafted after the First World War by countries who were afraid of a recreation of what had just happened. This is understandable, but the actions taken at Versailles after the First World War set the stage for everything that came in the Second World War. OF COURSE Germany wanted change. They had nothing. They were left to rebuild themselves from devastation with NOTHING.

Damn right they wanted change. Again, I am not condoning Hitler or his actions or his beliefs. But when it comes right down to it, what were they supposed to do? Roll over and take it?

Let's take a look at that statement again. "CHANGE is what Germany was looking for in 1932." Anyone who spouts that snippet of incendiary nonsense is clearly not opening a discourse on what was wrong about Germany's aims throughout the 30s nor are they saying anything at all. All they are doing is snapping up a block against change in general. This is ridiculous. This is pointless. And finally, this is proof of idiocy.

If all you can do is spout random, pointless, incendiary statements in the hope that it makes you sound intelligent...please, for the sake of those of us who actually can hold a discussion on any of these topics, keep your damn mouth shut. You've done nothing but prove to me how idiotic you are, and I haven't even met you.

/rant

32.365 - The Ultimate Triumph

I've owned this ring for a long time, and I've worn it as long as I've had it. It reads "Le mo ghrása mise agus liomsa mo ghrá" which is Gaelic for "As I am my beloved's, so my beloved is also mine."

But the point of this photo is not the ring, rather it is a tool by which I achieve something else entirely. The book here is Triumph and Tragedy by Winston Churchill, the last of the series he wrote about the Second World War. Also, not the point of this photo.

The point is the symbolism of all of these things combined to create something much bigger. Both the ring and the book were given to me by people I have loved deeply. I love the ring for it's connection to my heritage and for the message it bears. I love this book for its argument, for it's prose and for the way it smells. It's an old book and I enjoyed reading it with an absolutism that has yet to be rivaled.

I love.

31.365 - Taren

Oh hai Blogger! This is Taren. I work with her, and she's awesome. Aside from the crazy hair and goofy disposition (which never really turns off, thank goodness) she's fun and awesomely gorgeous (even if she doesn't know it).

I was just playing with lighting in the store before we took some other photos and this little gem popped out.

Taren, you are awesome. Don't stop being so.

kaythxbai.

30.365 - Spring Has Sprung!

I took my friend Marcel some NyQuil today, as he is laid up sick at home and had not the energy to do it for himself. The blessing in disguise (aside from, of course, doing something nice for a friend) was finding these GORGEOUS trees on the street outside his house.

So, Spring has sprung, Fall has fell, Winter is here and it's colder than hell.

I'm so ready for Spring.

29.365 - Blossoms

I think I really...like REALLY...can't wait for the warmer weather to get here. I don't mind winter on the whole, but I miss warmth a lot.

28.365 - LOVE

Jess sent out a bunch of these postcards recently, and her only request was that each person who got one take a photo of themselves with their card. I've got a whole series of photos planned with the card, but I didn't have the energy/resources to do them all tonight, so this is the start.

Love is always a good card to pull out of your pocket when it seems like all else is failing you.

27.365 - Looking Up

I'm not even going to pretend that I'm good at this 365 thing any more, and I'm not going to try and pretend that I'm going to get back to uploading one photo every day at any point. I would like to, and maybe I will. But, I want to finish out this 365 with 365 good photos. That may come one per day, or that my come every other day. We will see.

26.365 - Trek On!

On Friday Claire, Jess, Mike, Karen and I trekked up to Alum Rock (Rawk?) park to take photos. It was cold, but blessedly not rainy or muddy. It was full of sulfur water that is rumored to be safe to drink, but smells so absolutely disgusting that I can't imagine getting any closer to it, much less being forced to drink it as part of a elementary school field trip. All the same, we went, we smelled, and we photo-ed. It was awesome.

This is my pick for the 365 for several reasons.

First, I feel it sort of encapsulates the trip in some ways because when Claire mentioned that she wanted to go here, she attached a photo of one of these stone bridges in her message.

Secondly, it has stairs. You all have not yet been introduced to my obsession with staircases yet. I love staircases. When I took photo in college, I took hundreds upon hundreds of photos of staircases. I dragged my mother out for a staircase tour of San Francisco (which, incidentally, is a photo trip I would like to recreate, any takers?).

Third, I like it. And that is enough.

I have awesome friends. I think that they know this, but on the off chance that they do not...well, you guys rawk! :)

25.365 - Old Habits

I am notoriously bad at sticking to things. Any of you who have been following my 365 may have noticed this. At the same time, I am a creature of habit. This makes reforming my habits very difficult. I become very emotionally attached to the ritual of doing certain things, and this is (primarily) what makes quitting smoking very difficult.

I enjoy smoking. As a ritual. It is comforting in a weird, turn-about sort of way. I know it is awful for me. I say (time and time again) that I am under no delusion that smoking is good for me. In fact, I often cite, it is a rare smoker that pretends that smoking is--in any way--good for them. I am no different. I know it is horrible. It is a nasty, disgusting habit. I do not want to be a smoker for the rest of my life. That said, I attempted to quit smoking in 2009. We can see how well that went. For the most part, I was good. But, as is the case with most things, it is the exception, and not the rule, that matters. The fact that I smoked at all was not good. It meant that I had not truly quit. As is evidenced by this photo, I am still not quite over that compulsion.

I find that physically, at least, quitting smoking is not difficult. Emotionally, however, was a whole different ball game. I enjoy smoking. It is a highly social activity that has brought many things to my life. At the end of the day, though, that is not enough of a reason to hold on to the habit. Earlier tonight, when I was hanging out at Barefoot Coffee Roasters, a good friend of mine, Melissa, confessed that she had quit. Her reasons were not purely altruistic in the end--it turns out that the expense was one of her chief concerns. So, now that I feel like I have a bit of camaraderie in this endeavor, I make another attempt and chucking this habit for good. I thought a photo was in order for the occasion.

For those of you who have been championing this decision, this is for you. For those on whom I have made this decision very difficult, I apologize. And for the rest of you I say this, "It really is never too late." Go out and do the things that you want to do. Do what you know is best. You will always have someone to support you in the decision.

----

All the commentary aside, I like this photo. It is not perfect, but I got what I wanted out of it. I had the perfect shot...before I realized that the card was not in the camera. So...this close second will have to do. :)

24.365 - Perspective

I have just regaled you all with the fact that I am terrified of self portraits. In truth, I'm really quite afraid of the camera lens in general. I know what I see, and I'm not so sure I want the rest of the world to see it too. If I point the camera at myself, I'm looking through a lens, at myself, and then posting it out into the world for everyone to see. All of those things that I am so terrified of are alarmingly obvious to me. What if they are to everyone else? What then?

All the same, here we are. I have pretty eyes. I like them a lot.

23.365 - Urges

This photo is from the 17th. It's two days late. I have no photo for yesterday. I'm really awful at this whole 365 thing, aren't I?

So...I've been completely terrible at this. And here's my attempt at explaining it.

First, I wanted to start branching out into self portraits. Only, there's a little hitch there. I'm TERRIFIED of self portraits. Absolutely terrified. Also, the whole self timer thing gets really old really quick. I REALLY ought to look into getting a remote shutter release.

Second, well...I've been lazy.

Third...there are no excuses. So, I'm back.

That said, I sometimes have an inexplicable urge to be upside down. Though I hadn't realized how difficult setting a self timer, running a few feet, and propping myself up into a bridge would be. You will notice that I didn't quite get the time to get my left hand back onto the floor back there. At least I was looking at the camera?

So...I meant to toss this into cs2 and edit it. But forgot. Then I uploaded it on accident...and by the time I realized what I had done, it had 10 views. Oops... Can't take it down now I guess. What's done is done.

22.365 - Vanity

Sometimes the real joy in doing a project like this (or, in truth, just having a blog) is the chance I am given to allow myself to be completely self-indulgent and flaunt it to the world. I had a shitty weekend, and I'm exhausted. Between being busy with family and friends and all of the work that entails by body went and decided it was going to get sick. By sick, of course, I don't mean just a cough or a sore throat. I mean full blown, laid up in bed, fever kind of sick. I was miserable. And still am. The really shitty thing about being sick like that is that I miss out on everything and whine and cry like a little baby.

So, now that I'm back to the world at large, here we go again. I debated attempting self portraits, but I'm not sure I'm brave enough for that yet. So, attempt number one. I ended today in great need of a hug. Luckily, I have a live-in-hugger. It's quite convenient you see. Any time I want a hug I can turn to Sean and say, "Hey, you! Hug me!" So, that's where I'm at today. Figured I'd toss in a bit of skin while I was at it. He's got pretty skin. :)

21.365 - Patti Smith

My Grandmother is quite the woman. She was delighted recently to have been called "fabulous". She truly is. I generally describe her as a "hoot", because...well...she IS. She's always so happy and likes to spread that joy with everyone around her. She tells stories as though everyone else in the world partakes of them like water. She loves coffee and the color red. She's also got a rather amusing obsession with cats and religions.

I love my Grandmother. She gives in the expectation that others will take and makes it nearly impossible to say no.

My Grandmother is sick. It makes me so sad to watch age take over her life one day at a time. She will be 85 this August. She was left outside the Salvation Army when she was just a baby and adopted by her aunt not long thereafter. She's lived quite the life and has stories to tell to anyone and everyone. It's difficult for anyone to dislike her. I love my Grandmother.

20.365 - Sean Jumps

I tend to avoid posting photos of Sean, even though I take so many of them. The reason is not because I think he's not photogenic, or that the photos are bad, but rather I feel like what I capture with the camera just isn't the Sean that I see. It just doesn't seems like the Sean that I know and love. It makes me a little bit sad, and maybe I'm looking for too much in the photos, but it is just a block I have.

Earlier this evening, Sean wanted a "Spiderman" photo of himself. I believe Claire managed to get the shot Sean was looking for. I, on the other hand, took a slightly different vantage and came out with this little gem. It's so delightfully Sean. He's almost out of the frame by the time I got this shot, which speaks to me of his eagerness to always be on to the next thing. Honestly, that boy never stops moving. I love his shadow on the wall, and I adore that you can follow his line of movement.

I adore this shot in so many ways.

19.365 - Goddess of Chaos and Discord

My cat, Eris, is four and half years old and she's as cantankerous as the day I brought her home. I named her Eris after the Greek Goddess of Strife. I realized a little belatedly that I was tempting fate a bit too well with that name. Eris is an adorable little girl, but she grew into her name as time went along. As I was feeling a little less than motivated today I decided to take photos of my adorable little girl. She didn't like that very much. She was all but uncooperative. Seeing as she's been more than annoying most of the time in recent days I thought it was a bit rich of her to snub her nose at me. So, I did what any good mother would do...I bribed her with food. My rweard for that was to earn her all to sharp claw in my fingers. I love my cat.

18.365 - Ramen

There is nothing like the holiday season to up and crush any dreams I might have had for my 365. So, I plow along as though nothing ever happened. My holidays were good, thanks kindly for asking. I spent some time with the family and a scattering of hours with my friends and enjoyed it all immensely. There was the allotted amount of drama that always happens. All things considered, it was a good year.

Sean and I, thus exhausted from the holiday weekend, did what we do best in response to exhaustion and stress. We went out for Japanese food. Tonight's main course took the form of Kahoo Ramen's Shoyu Ramen. It was, as it ought to have been and always is...amazing. There's something about a bowl of ramen that always does the trick at the end of a long couple of days.

17.365 - Best Friends

Sometimes all one needs is a good coffee date with some old friends and all seems to right itself with the world.