Turmoil Tuesdays

Turmoil Tuesdays - C'est La Vie Edition

I've been thinking...a lot. I have been thinking about myself. I have been thinking about others. I've been thinking about interpersonal relations. I've even been thinking about food.

Those don't all seem connected...but they are. Oh, are they ever.

The funny thing is this: I have gone about things MY WAY. I don't think it's the way anyone expected. I don't think it's even what they wanted of me. But it is AMAZING.

I have detoxed myself. Mostly emotionally and mentally, but I am beginning to do so physically as well. I have never felt better. Consider for a moment that this comes out of the WORST six months of my life medically speaking. It was bad in other ways, but not the worst. My body was crying out for help and I wasn't listening. Now I am.

What was really funny was that fixing myself physically shifted my paradigm emotionally. That shift was the most amazing wake up call that I have ever had. I am more alert, more aware, happier, more energized, and I suddenly CARE MORE. It is great.

But, what really was so freeing for me was the true and final release of TOXIN. For me, almost all of that toxin was internal in a way that I am not sure I could ever externally verbalize. But I am releasing it all out into the void of nothing so that it belongs to no one.

Change comes with a responsibility to be more AWARE, more PROACTIVE, and more COGNIZANT. Now it's funny, because I am not sure most of you really get what I mean by those three terms...because I have only verbalized this idea with one person. I am so willing to be open about what is happening inside of me...but here is the KEY...you have to ask. I am not offering this information that allows me to become vulnerable to just anyone anymore. There needs to be reciprocation. The waiting is over. :)

Sorry if this is really rambling. I know I have a tendency to go on a bit. I am not even going to read back through to see if it is coherent...DEALWITHIT.

I took this photo of myself as a way to illustrate what I am seeing in myself these days. I am me. I like me. I am a good person. A selfie in a mirror seemed an appropriate metaphor.

(Technicalities: Apologies for dirty mirror and blurry photo, but I kinda like 'em.)

Thoughtful Thursdays: Happiness is health and a short memory!

So, the dialog from my project is moving here, with some minor directions included.

I've been thinking, a lot. All of the things in my life have been happening at once, and I am beginning to sort through the crazyness of all of it. Seemingly every aspect of my life has gone insane all at once. What is most funny is that that is actually a FANTASTIC thing. It has allowed me the chance to care just a little bit less about the decisions that I am making. Regardless of what still needs to be done, I care a little bit less about what fat I am trimming.

I have been proven right, wrong, stupid, and smart so many times over and over again in the recent past.

What is suddenly most important is ME. My health is coming to the forefront as a concern for me. My physical health, my mental health, everything. So, I am formatting a plan with the intent upon resetting my body, my mind, my life, and my outlook. But my changes are my own and they are incredibly personal, and no one need know that entirety of it all. Suffice it to say, I am doing what I want, what I need. Things will be changing, but not in the predictable ways.

Hold on to your hats ladies and gents and keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times.

To return is not enough, one must return with purpose

We give many words to goals.

We call them resolutions, which is to say that we are resolved to do a thing. We call them wishes for ourselves, which invalidates their strength. We call them desires, which stengthens their intention, but weakens their execution. We call them destinations, which takes the importance from the journey. And, of course, we call them goals, which seems to me to take the resposibility from the individual.

Even so, when there isn't a word for a concept, does not the concept still exist? And if a concept exists should not we, as individuals, give importance to such a thing?

If we desire something to change, what makes it so difficult to change? It should be enough to want to change something and, presuming it is within our power, to simply change it. But these things are not so simple.

It would be brilliant to be as beautifully detached from the absurdity of life as Camus' character Mersault. But such things do not truly exist. So, the painful longing of a friend now gone from a world still lingers. I do not wish so much for the sadness to leave, but rather for my own reactions to change, as I am not coping well.

I do not pretend to understand these questions nor the purpose of any man or woman. I understand a little, and that is enough. I suppose one could say that I am a woman in search of a word. And by word, I mean I am still searching to give meaning to my own life.

Engagé!

Thursday Rant Thursday

There are a lot of things that are wrong with this world, and I take issue with many of them. Today, however, I will limit myself to just one little snippet of my grievances.

While driving home today I saw a bumper sticker on the car in front of me that read "CHANGE is what Germany was looking for in 1932."

Wait...WHAT?!

This person's bumper was also littered with a number of other highly conservative, ignorant stickers that don't even bear mentioning here. The picture painted by the aforementioned sticker is an ugly one. It speaks of misinformation and general stupidity. It speaks to a fear of new ideas and renovation to any old regime that exists. This is a problem.

Now, don't get me wrong, a good number of Germany's actions before and during the Second World War were beyond reproach. But to condemn them for looking for change in the first place is ridiculous. Germany was royally shafted after the First World War by countries who were afraid of a recreation of what had just happened. This is understandable, but the actions taken at Versailles after the First World War set the stage for everything that came in the Second World War. OF COURSE Germany wanted change. They had nothing. They were left to rebuild themselves from devastation with NOTHING.

Damn right they wanted change. Again, I am not condoning Hitler or his actions or his beliefs. But when it comes right down to it, what were they supposed to do? Roll over and take it?

Let's take a look at that statement again. "CHANGE is what Germany was looking for in 1932." Anyone who spouts that snippet of incendiary nonsense is clearly not opening a discourse on what was wrong about Germany's aims throughout the 30s nor are they saying anything at all. All they are doing is snapping up a block against change in general. This is ridiculous. This is pointless. And finally, this is proof of idiocy.

If all you can do is spout random, pointless, incendiary statements in the hope that it makes you sound intelligent...please, for the sake of those of us who actually can hold a discussion on any of these topics, keep your damn mouth shut. You've done nothing but prove to me how idiotic you are, and I haven't even met you.

/rant

32.365 - The Ultimate Triumph

I've owned this ring for a long time, and I've worn it as long as I've had it. It reads "Le mo ghrása mise agus liomsa mo ghrá" which is Gaelic for "As I am my beloved's, so my beloved is also mine."

But the point of this photo is not the ring, rather it is a tool by which I achieve something else entirely. The book here is Triumph and Tragedy by Winston Churchill, the last of the series he wrote about the Second World War. Also, not the point of this photo.

The point is the symbolism of all of these things combined to create something much bigger. Both the ring and the book were given to me by people I have loved deeply. I love the ring for it's connection to my heritage and for the message it bears. I love this book for its argument, for it's prose and for the way it smells. It's an old book and I enjoyed reading it with an absolutism that has yet to be rivaled.

I love.

31.365 - Taren

Oh hai Blogger! This is Taren. I work with her, and she's awesome. Aside from the crazy hair and goofy disposition (which never really turns off, thank goodness) she's fun and awesomely gorgeous (even if she doesn't know it).

I was just playing with lighting in the store before we took some other photos and this little gem popped out.

Taren, you are awesome. Don't stop being so.

kaythxbai.

30.365 - Spring Has Sprung!

I took my friend Marcel some NyQuil today, as he is laid up sick at home and had not the energy to do it for himself. The blessing in disguise (aside from, of course, doing something nice for a friend) was finding these GORGEOUS trees on the street outside his house.

So, Spring has sprung, Fall has fell, Winter is here and it's colder than hell.

I'm so ready for Spring.